An answer to Maureen Dowd’s conspiracy theory!

On August 19, 2008 Maureen Dowd published her conspiracy theory article “Two Against The One” in the New York Times which you can read below and then read my daughter C. Johnson’s response to her article below Ms. Dowd’s article. 
 
Maureen Dowd’s New York Times Article
 
Op-Ed Columnist

Two Against The One 

MAUREEN DOWD

Published: August 19, 2008

WASHINGTON

Fred R. Conrad/The New York Times

 

In the dead of night in a small hideaway office in the deserted Capitol, a clandestine meeting takes place between two senators with one goal.

They grin at each other as they lift their celebratory shots of brutally cold Stolichnaya.

“Our toast to The One,” they say in unison, “is that he’s toast.”

“Obama should have picked you, Hillary,” John McCain tells her. “It isn’t fair, my friend. But it just makes it easier for me to whup him.”

“Don’t worry, John, I’ve put it behind me,” Hillary replies. “I’m looking toward the future now, a future that looks very bright, once we send Twig Legs back to the back bench.”

They chortle with delight.

“He’s a bright young man, but he got ahead of himself,” McCain says. “He needs to be taught a lesson, and we’re the ones to do it. Have you seen the new Bloomberg poll? Obama’s dropped and we’re even again. The Bullet’s getting all the credit, but you and I know, Hillary, that it’s these top-secret counseling sessions we’re having. And thanks again for BlackBerrying me the Rick Warren questions while I was in the so-called cone of silence.”

“Oh, John, you know I love you and I’m happy to help,” Hillary says. “The themes you took from me are working great — painting Obama as an elitist and out-of-touch celebrity, when we’re rich celebrities, too. Turning his big rallies and pretty words into character flaws, charging him with playing the race card — that one always cracks me up. And accusing the media, especially NBC, of playing favorites. It’s easy to get the stupid press to navel-gaze; they’re so insecure.”

“They’re all pinko Commies,” McCain laughs. “Especially since they deserted me for The Messiah. Seriously, Hill, that Paris-Britney ad you came up with was brilliant. I owe you.”

Looking pleased, Hillary expertly downs another shot. “His secret fear is being seen as a dumb blonde,” she says. “He wants to take a short cut to the top and pose on glossy magazine covers, but he doesn’t want to be seen as a glib pretty boy.”

McCain lifts his glass to her admiringly. “If I do say so myself, while the rookie was surfing in Hawaii, I ate his pupus for lunch. Pictures of him pushing around a golf ball while I’m pushing around Putin. Priceless.”

“I have a little secret to tell you about that, John. Bill made it happen. He loves you so much. He called Putin and told him that if he invaded Georgia, he could count on being invited to the Clinton Global Initiative every year for the rest of his life.”

“Wow. Should I call him? I saw your husband’s kind words about me in Las Vegas on Monday, saying I’d be just as good as Obama on climate change.”

“I think he’d like that,” Hillary smiles. “He’s still boiling at Obama. And you don’t have to worry about my army of angry women. We’ve spread the word in the feminist underground — as opposed to that wacky Obama Weather Underground — that ‘catharsis’ is code for ‘No surrender.’ My gals know when I say ‘We may have started on two separate paths but we’re on one journey now’ that Skinny’s journey is to the nearest exit.”

“But Obama’s says he’s finally ready to hit back,” McCain says, frowning. “He’s starting a blistering TV campaign and attacking me for attacking his patriotism.”

“Now, John, you know that every time he tries to get tough, he quickly runs out of gas. Sometimes in debates, he’d be exhausted by the third question. He must use up all his energy in the gym. He doesn’t have any stamina, and he certainly doesn’t have our bloodlust. Besides, you can throw that Mark Penn stuff at him that I couldn’t use in a Democratic primary about how he’s not fundamentally American in his thinking and values. While he’s up on his high-minded pedestal, you’ll scoot past him in your Ferragamos.”

“How can I ever thank you, my friend?”

“You can announce that you won’t be running for re-election because you’d be 76, and you can pick somebody really lame to run with, like your pal Lieberman. That means one term for you, and two for me.”

“It’s a deal,” McCain says, sticking out his hand to shake on it. “That was inspired to snatch his convention away — makes him look so weak. Listen, why don’t you stop in Sedona on the way to Denver? Wear a black wig and I’ll spirit you up to the cabin for the night. I’ll catch a catfish in the mill pond and grill it for you. It will be an adventure.” There’s a knock on the door. Jesse Jackson sticks his head into the meeting.

“Is it over?” he asks his co-conspirators.

“Yes, he’s over,” they respond in unison.

 

And now my daughter:

C. Johnson’s Reply

Two Against The One Another Scenario 

C. Johnson 

 

Published: August 21, 2008

Augusta  

Since conspiracy theories are the food of the day, here is one for you Ms. Dowd.  

Two old friends sat together in companionable silence in a Hyde Park mansion in Chicago.  Each was savoring the recent victory.  Finally, Senator Obama spoke, “I owe you so much.  It would have taken me a decade longer to achieve what you did in a few short years.” 

“Well,” said Emil Jones, “I have to admit, I even doubted myself a time or two. I remember thinking that anyone cocky and ambitious enough to come to me and basically dare me to make him a United States Senator was my kind of politician.”  

“I’ve never been one to actually take the long road if a short cut is to be had,” Obama replied.  “It was pure genius the way you forced my name onto all those bills that I had nothing to do with, but it did get scary for a while, with all the enemies it made.”  

“I told you it would be alright; didn’t I.  I know my way around Chicago politics.  The real stroke of genius was getting John Kerry involved in 2004, but I admit Jesse Jackson almost blew that one.  What was he thinking making a public statement about presidential election and you?”   

“I don’t know,” said Obama, “but thankfully Michelle was there to alert us so we could shut him down.  Now, I’ve made him inconsequential.  The real stroke of genius though, was the exchange for black voters here in Chicago if Kerry would put me on as the keynote speaker.  I admit I wondered what you were doing.  We had so carefully made sure that the blacks here viewed him as a traitor.”  

“Kerry never had a chance of winning that election.  It was just a chance for you to springboard to the national stage.”  

“As always, you know what’s best,” Obama gushed.  “Just like convincing the blacks that Bill Clinton was playing the race card.  That was genius.”  

“Oh, I didn’t do that.  That was Jesse Jackson, Jr.  The boy is a man after my own heart.  He knows how to play politics the way we do here in Chicago.”  The statement was followed by a wink, then, “Just like another young man I remember.  When you managed to get all your competitors thrown off the ballot in order to win that state house seat, I knew then you had it in you to play dirty.  All you needed was opportunity and a little resume padding.”  

For a while they sat in companionable silence again.  

“I just wished I had listened to you about that pesky abortion bill.”  

“I told you so many times to never place a vote on anything that could be a minefield.  That one is going to come back to haunt you.”

“I know, but Michelle was insistent that I make a stand.  After all, her hospital provides abortions and was anxious about the loss of income,” said Obama looking nervously at the door that had just opened.

“Good evening, gentlemen.  Barack, why are your feet on my coffee table?” questioned Michelle Obama.

“I’m sorry, Sweetheart.  I wasn’t thinking.”  He quickly placed his feet on the floor.

“We’ll talk about it later. Just remember you owe me a backrub.  After all the nasty things those Tennessee Republicans said I need it.”

“I’ll be up shortly,” Obama whispered.

After the door closed, Emil Jones took a hard look at Obama.  “Get some backbone son.  She’s a beautiful black woman, but she is going to cost you this election with that attitude.”

“I know.  That is why she is being removed from the spotlight now that I’ve clinched the nomination. 

Well, I better get upstairs.”

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